Sheldon stops dead in his tracks and explains that he wanted to hide his dark circles and pimples for our date so he went out today and bought makeup. Okay, so now I feel really bad for the guy and bad that I pointed out his secret. All of a sudden I feel less drunk and really self-concious and tell him I have to go home. I feel horrible and just want to this date to end. However, Sheldon, being the nice guy that he is, offers to walk me to the subway station. I can’t get rid of him!
We get to the subway and I rush to say goodbye. I thank him for the date, while at the same time I slide my subway pass through the turnstile and go through before he can try to kiss me, but like I said I can’t get rid of this guy. Sheldon hops over the turnstile, yes HOPS OVER THE TURNSTILE, essentially committing a crime (so to recap: he has both purchased makeup and committed a crime as a result of our date). Sheldon plants a kiss on my lips and runs away, perhaps out of nerves and fear of getting caught by the subway employee. I stand there stunned for a second and then board the subway thinking what a hilarious date I just went on, but knowing I won’t be going out with Sheldon ever again.
Like I said, I can’t get rid of this guy and no the story doesn’t end here.
The next day at work I get an email from our legal librarian. A girl around my age that I have never talked to before. The subject of her email is “Hi” and it reads one simple line: “A guy named Sheldon told me to email you and say hello.”
My heart begins racing. How in the hell did Sheldon know I work here and why did he think it was appropriate to email someone that I don’t even know and force us to have this awkward and bizarre email exchange? I am just about to freak out, when I remember that Sheldon told me he is a sales rep for legal books and part of his job consists of going to law firms and meeting with their librarians. I think back to our date and remember that I did, in fact, tell him that I was a legal assistant and did give him the name of the office that I work in.
This still doesn’t give Sheldon the right to contact someone from my office and cause this awkwardness between us. I text Sheldon and thank him for the date, but tell him I think it was inappropriate for him to be contacting staff at my office to say hello. He said he thinks it was a sweet idea and doesn’t regret it. He asks me out again for that night, but I tell him that I don’t feel the spark.
I’m sure you have caught on to the theme here, and yes, this isn’t the last I heard of Sheldon. He continued to ask me out on dates until eventually I told him a friend’s dad passed away (made up. I know I’m going to hell) and that I am quitting dating. This actually worked and I never heard from Sheldon again.
So dear readers, now you know the harrowing tale of my most epic first date ever. So epic it has to be told over three weeks. I hope this post inspires you single people to get out there and experience the craziness and hilarity the online dating world offers you. Don’t take dating too seriously and you may be lucky enough to end up with a tale like mine.
What is your most epic date ever?