Looking back at my now over relationship, I must admit that the best (and worst) part was how quickly I forgot what a gong show it is in the dating world. I was nicely encased in my bubble of happiness and had completely forgotten how ridiculous dating, specifically Tinder, was. Now that I’m back swiping (mostly left), I can’t help but wonder how some of these profiles have come to be and who even swipes right for them. So without any further hesitation, I present to you my top WTF Tinder Profiles!
In profile 1, we have Pinus. It took me a while, but I see what you did there Pinus. You want us to think your name is a part of the male genital anatomy, but No, I am choosing to call you Pie-Nuss. Or maybe Pee-Noose. How about Pih-nuss. Thankfully you cleared up that it is not your actual name. Good thing you mentioned that because I seriously thought your mother had named you after a guy’s junk.
Profile 2 might make you wonder simply because he is cuddling with a girl but that isn’t what caused me to say “WTF”. No, readers, I am willing to look beyond the girl, mostly because I can’t look past his perfectly shaded and lined RED LIP. It’s not even in an appropriate setting like a party, or a show. He has a lined lip in bed, like Marilyn Monroe. If you are a guy and want to wear makeup, go right ahead, but never EVER rock a red lip in bed because that stains sheets, and no one likes stains.
Profile 3- He has a girl in a cage that is designed for a dog. She is scantily clad and, under the bad blackout job, she is giving the camera bedroom eyes. This is not sexy. Women are not animals and should never be treated as such. This was likely consensual, one would hope, but why would you post it as your profile pic? Oh look, we have a common connection. It’s my lucky day should I ever feel the need to be confined in a 4ft by 4 ft space, I can reach out to said mutual friend to make the connection happen.
Profile 4 is the stuff of nightmares. First, the men are twins which, in itself is not a nightmare but when you read on, you realise that they will get you, and they are everywhere. This profile is a terrifying mind warp. Because they are twins, and clearly stalkers, they will always be able to show up in two places at once. You may think you see them everywhere simply because there are more than one of them. But hey, you have to admire that dedication and confidence. I WILL get you. I AM everywhere, no questions asked.
Ah the married, a splinter group of tinder profiles that you can’t avoid but are usually not so obvious. Often times a married man will not broadcast it to the tinder world at large, but sometimes, just sometimes, we luck out with the following gems:
Profile 5 chose to use his ENGAGEMENT PHOTO as his main picture. The thing with Tinder is that it links to your Facebook pics so whatever your main Facebook photo is will automatically become your tinder picture. This is easily changed though. So either this guy didn’t know how to change it, or didn’t give any effs that his engagement photo was his main pic. I feel as if guys like this, when confronted by a girl like me, will say “oh it’s my sister” right. Creepy family dynamic. Bets on whether this guy actually makes it down the altar?
Profile 6. Oh Profile 6. I literally cannot even. I feel as if there is nothing to even say here. Why would someone do this? I feel bad for everyone involved. I feel bad for the girl, because her brand new husband is already on tinder, I feel bad for the person who would swipe right, because they have self-esteem so low that they would get involved with a married man, and I feel bad for me, because I have a mutual friend with this bottom feeder and feel I should tell them so they can warn the bride to GTFO before it’s too late.
All of these profiles were, obviously, a big fat left swipe but they made me wonder about the random groups of people who use the app to find love, or sex, or whatever it is the twins are after.
Oh, and it’s not all a loss. Tinder did find me the perfect match. I think we will have a long and happy life together: