I love to write. I believe that it can be therapeutic or just simple nothingness that brings you joy. So when I thought about writing something for Tracey’s blog, I was over the moon. But what would I write about? Something on beauty, fashion or home décor—literally favourite topics of mine…but what about motherhood? Um, no, someone please put the brakes on. All of my friends have or are having children, but for me, I’m not so comfortable with that topic. Wait, maybe I do have something to say…

I am a married women in my mid-thirties. Solid career, good friends, great family and the world’s sweetest Yorkie – Daisy Lu. How cliché, the only thing missing is a child, right?

I crave motherhood in my bones. I desperately want to share the bond that I have with my mother, with a child of my own. I just could not have imagined the marathon it would be to get there.

I’m not a mom, I’m not even pregnant, but I have been twice. “Well the good thing is you know you can get pregnant”. If I had a dime for every time some ignorant person has said that me. Or, “God takes care of what’s not right”. PLEASE people stop saying these things to women who may be suffering! How many women do you know who just want to get pregnant without it resulting in a baby? Yes, please sign me up for the exhaustion, nausea and weight gain so it can all come to a devastating and crashing halt for nothing. Please know in reading this that I accept that people are only trying to be kind and they don’t always have or know the right words.

That being said, back to the purpose of this post, “Finding your inner Charlotte”. I am huge Sex and the City fan. I’m sure in my single days, I watched every episode more than once and one episode in particular has always stuck with me—the episode when Charlotte lost her pregnancy. Like any women would, Charlotte grieves the loss. She struggles to get out of bed and more so, to get out of her own head. I know these feelings all too well. But after seeing a TV documentary on Liz Taylor, Charlotte regains her self-confidence and self-worth. She puts on her best shoes and decides not to let what has happened ruin her.

I have to find my inner Charlotte every day. It takes time and effort and there have certainly been days that I have not wanted to. I do it though, and I try to do it well. I refuse to allow myself to have a pity party. I refuse to be anything less that the firecracker personality I’m known for. I refuse to not live every day to the fullest because of something that is out of my control.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know that I am worthy of the best possible life, I am strong enough to continue moving forward regardless of what happens and that my life is not any less special or important with or without a child.

So smile and laugh and enjoy the little things. This world has so much beauty, take it in!

Written by Loriann
Loriann lives in Ottawa with her husband and yorkie. She works in Legal Talent and Student Recruitment for the worlds largest law firm.