Shortly after I began my adventure in online dating, I went on a date with a guy I have since referred to as “The Poor Man’s Kanye West.” We’ll call him Kanye for short. He earned this nickname because he looked like and acted like a watered-down version of Yeezus himself. To be quite honest, the only reason I went on a date with him was because he was a lawyer. I work with lawyers for a living and know well enough to never date one, but wanted to give it a whirl, just to confirm what I already knew.
Kanye and I only talked a few times online before he asked me to go see The Fighter at a downtown movie theatre. He asked me out at 5:00PM and I said “yes” based on the premise of YOLO and was waiting for him in front of the theatre by 8:00PM. I was basically at my dating prime at this point. A month earlier I had broken up with my ex, and was down ten whole pounds due to that experience. I was feeling good about going out with this uber-successful, rich guy. I thought I could hold my own. Boy, was I wrong.
I always liked to get to the date a bit early, especially since it was December and freezing and I wanted a chance to wipe any boogers or smudged mascara before making my first impression. When he walked in I noticed him right away. He walked like he owned all the swagger on the block. There were self-serve ticket machines along the wall of the theatre so he suggested we pay there. I had no idea if I should offer to pay, so my plan was to wait until he was finished purchasing and then pretend as if I was going to use the machine to pay for my own ticket. After he finishes his transaction, he turns to me and says, “So….are you going to get a ticket for yourself or not?” I immediately turn red and get flustered, when he goes, “I’m just kidding, here you go” and hands me a ticket.
Already I’m a bit turned off by him. We head up the long escalator to the theatre and he mentions how last time he was here he took the stairs down and fell and almost broke his arm. I immediately gasp and say, “No way! That’s awful!” He turns to me and says really condescendingly, “I’m kidding.” We aren’t even in the theatre yet and I’m already wondering why I am on this date.
We sit down and he instantly whips out his BlackBerry. Working with lawyers, I know the importance of the almighty BlackBerry so I don’t mind at all. However, he leans in real close and says, “You should feel privileged. I’m going to turn this off just for you.” By this point, I don’t even want to see the movie anymore.
Since it was winter, we had our winter coats. He chose to put his coat on the chair beside him. I put mine on my chair since I knew the theatre would fill up. A family of four comes to the end of our row and they are one seat short of being able to sit beside us so they ask Kanye if his coat is saving someone’s seat. He looks at them like they are daft and says, “Um, no this seat is for my coat.” While this conversation is going on I am trying to blend into the chair as to not be associated with this jerk. The family laugh and think he is joking. He’s not joking people. He shoots them a glare back confirming he is, in fact, not joking. They ask him to move his coat. He literally huffs and puffs and grabs his coat and puts it on his lap like this is the greatest injustice of all time.
He talks about himself and his work until the movie starts, asking nothing about me until he alludes to a sexual harassment suit against him by a legal assistant (my profession). He makes some inappropriate comment about how he wishes it was me that was suing him.
The entire movie I cannot even focus on Christian Bale or his Oscar-worthy performance. I just want the movie to end so I can escape this hell. After the movie, he puts his arm around me as we walk to the street corner where we will part ways. It really annoyed because he never asked to put his arm around me and I don’t understand how he thought the date went well enough to warrant such behaviour. We get to the streetcar stop where I need to wait. Its dark and late, and as much as I want this date to be over I want him to wait with me until the streetcar comes. He doesn’t.
He text me twenty minutes later saying he wished he had kissed me, but I didn’t seem into it. I said I was hoping he was going to be a gentleman and wait with me for the streetcar to come. He apologized and offered to take me out again to make up for it. At this point in my dating career, I was still afraid of hurting people’s feeling so I didn’t respond. I assume he takes this silence as a yes because he proceeded to send me a string of text messages about how he wanted to open my eyes to the world of the elite and take me to movie premieres and art gallery openings (how Kanye of him). He then went further and started asking me if I had ever been with a “black man” and the things he would do to me. It was at that point that I basically told him it wasn’t going to work. He was flabbergasted I was rejecting him and asked me a number of times if I was sure. I was sure.
After that date, I vowed to never again date a lawyer and never, ever date any guy that looked like a poor man’s Kanye West.
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